I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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