That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
