the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
