WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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