guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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