The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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