Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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