I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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