My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My life is pants optional.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
