I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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