Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
