i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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