i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize