She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
