Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
