so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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