I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
