I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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