well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
