Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
