my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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