the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
