I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
