You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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