i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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