Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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