apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
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My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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