I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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