you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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