actually, I'm a sock model
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
