I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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