I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
