then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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