omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
