I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
