Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
