The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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