When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
