Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
