Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
