Someone shit on the floor
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
