There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I want a musical about memes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
