You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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