3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
