I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
