i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize