Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
