I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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