i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are we still banned from the library?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
