I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
