i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
