And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I party with great urgency now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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