but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
