I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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