You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
