I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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