she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
