Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
