I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
