It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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