The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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