$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
